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ISSUES: Marriage
Chapter 2: Divorce
Tips for a stress-free divorce
Divorce can cause problems such as stress, anxiety, depression and panic attacks according
to PaulaHall, relationship psychotherapist at the charity Relate.
“
This can affect sleep, which can
cause tiredness, exhaustion and a
lack of focus and concentration,”
she says.
“There’s a lot to think about during
a divorce, particularly looking after
children, telling your parents and dealing
with their emotions, moving house,
dividing possessions, setting up bank
accounts, and continuing your job.”
Below, Paula identifies seven crucial steps
for coping.
1. Accept the reality of your
situation
Ask yourself questions about what
happened and try to understand what
went on beneath the surface. For
example, if the other person had an affair,
try to understand what led them to do
that. Similarly, if you grew apart, think
about how you’ve changed since you
first met.
2. Manage your emotions
The most common emotions people
experience during a divorce are grief,
fear, anger, resentment, doubt, regret
and guilt. At this early stage in particular
you need help and support from friends.
You also need to give yourself time and
space. Some techniques of cognitive
behavioural therapy (CBT) can really help,
such as changing negative thoughts and
learning how to be optimistic.
3. Develop strategies for personal
growth
Recognise your strengths and your
weaknesses, and develop an action plan.
An action plan involves setting goals. For
example, if you know you’ll struggle with
loneliness, decide how you will deal with
this. This will build your self-esteem and
help you manage your feelings, such as
missing someone.
4. Let friends and family help
Identify your support network. Think
about the people who are already there
for you. But also recognise that some
relationships may be challenging, such
as friends who will be hard to socialise
with or a family member who might say:
“I told you it’d never work.” Think about
the relationships you want to strengthen.
If you’re fairly good friends with someone
you work with, see them more often. Or
maybe you could renew contact with
someone who has been through a
divorce.
5. Deal withmoney and practical
matters
Think about your financial and practical
resources and challenges. This might
includehowto release someof the equity
in your house, or how you can make
money during the free time you now
have. It may also include things as simple
as learning how to use a lawnmower or
the washing machine, or how to cook for
the children when they’re staying with
you. It’s often these practical things that
make people feel like they can’t cope.
6. Communicate effectivelywith
your ex
This is another area that can cause a huge
amount of stress. If you have children,
learning to communicate effectively is
very important. This involves tryingnot to
get angry, managing your emotions, and
entering into conversations with a clear
idea of what youwant to achievewithout
getting drawn into old arguments.
You may want to consider family
mediation. This helps people facing
relationship breakdown sort out practical
issues, such as arrangements for their
children and sorting out their finances.
Family mediation services charge for
their services, but you may be able to get
legal aid if you are on a low income.
Find a family mediation service near you.
7. Set goals for the future
It’s important to adopt the belief that
“today is the first day of the rest of your
life”. This could mean being single, being
satisfied, dating andfinding love again, as
well as realising your hopes, dreams and
ambitions.
“Divorce can be devastating and painful,
and there will be bad days,” says Paula.
“But negative thinking leads to negative
emotions, which lead to bad health, so
it’s important to try to think positively.”
Paula is keen to stress the potential for
a positive outcome. She says: “Divorce is
an opportunity for change. There are lots
of things you can’t do if you’re married.
People compromise and put things to
one side, such as hobbies or even careers.
A divorce is an opportunity to think
about the things you loved but might
have let go of, while recognising that you
can reshape your future.”
25March 2015
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The above information is reprinted
with kind permission from NHS
Choices. Please visit
for
further information.
©NHS Choices 2017
