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ISSUES: Marriage
Chapter 2: Divorce
house. I liked this better than seeing
my dad in his new flat as it felt strange
there, and I didn’t really know his new
girlfriend. Jim also helped explain to
mum that I didn’t like her saying mean
things about dad.
“After a few weeks Jim came back and
talked throughwhat she was putting in
her report for the court. I was worried
about mum and dad being cross about
what I had told him, so Jim helped
me sort out exactly what I wanted to
say to them. He said that he would
suggest to the court that Darren and I
live with mum but see dad and granny
every weekend.
“At the family court, the Judge listened
to everyone, and read Jim’s report, and
then made a decision about where
Darren and I should live.”
PS from Darren
“I did not really know what was
happening. I thought my dad was
working away from home and would
come back although I heard him shout
at my mum a lot and that scared me.
Jim was nice although I did not fancy
going to his office. I thought it would
be lots of boring talking. But there
were good toys. Jim did not make me
say a lot. I was glad I had Kelly with me.
Jim had met my granny and knew we
liked going to her house at weekends.
Now we go and see dad, granny and
Spotty every week.”
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The above information is reprinted
with kind permission fromCafcass.
Please visit
for further information.
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Please note that Cafcass only
become involved in about 10% of
all parental separation cases.
© Cafcass 2017
“What should I have done
differently?” A conversation
with my son about divorce
Sixteen years later, Suzanne Finnamore’s son Pablo
tells her how his parents’ split looked from a child’s
perspective: “It was like being a double agent.”
S
ixteen years ago, my first
husband sallied out the door
toward his new life with another
woman and a baby on the way. “You’ll
get the papers next week,” he said, the
automatic window of his SUV sliding
up as he roared off. Meanwhile, there
was already a baby at our house.
His name was Pablo. “Oh my God,” I
thought. “How will we get through
this without a husband and a father?
Will our son grow up angry? Will he be
devastated? Resentful?”
Nearly two decades later, Pablo isn’t
psychologically maimed, or plotting
his revenge against us as I’d originally
feared. In fact, he’s just fine.
He was a baby when we split, and then
a boy, and young boys don’t talk much
about feelings. I never really knew all of
what went on in his curly-haired head.
Now that he’s 18, it feels like the right
time for us to talk about the divorce
– what I did right, what I did wrong,
and what he wished I knew. I hope this
conversation can be a guide to parents
in the midst of ending their marriage,
mothers and fathers wondering how
their kids will fare.
Did you have any sense that things
were coming to an end between
your father and me?
Pablo: As a toddler, I barely had a
sense of how day turned to night or
where the Teletubbies went when the
TV turned off. So no. I was blissfully
unaware. Just growing teeth.
And filling diapers. I always felt that
the fact that you didn’t potty train
until you were four was your way
of wresting control. Like, I can’t
control anything but I can crap my
pants. Without a husband to help
me and with a hectic work schedule,
I learned to improvise. I learned
to do what I called the Standing
Change, wherein I changed your
diaper while you stood up, in
about ten seconds flat. Was there
a moment when it hit you that we
were different from other families?
I felt no emptiness at the table, no lack
of father in the living room. There was
never a moment where I felt like our
house was wrong. But the first time I
had to get on a plane, at age five, to
see my dad in Los Angeles, it hit me.
I was distracted by the pilot and the
fawning flight attendants but looking
out the window, it felt like a lot. I had
to enter the stratosphere just to see
my dad.
I put you on that airplane and I was
fine; your flight was less than an
hour long. I was almost relieved:
a whole weekend to myself. Then
I burst into tears. It was like my
heart had been placed in ice and
ferried away. I’d spent time without
you before on weekends while you
were at your grandparents’, but this
was different. This was you flying
away into the sky. I came unglued,
shambling to my car like some
blithering zombie, saying your
name over and over to myself, like
a mantra. When did you feel the
effects of our divorce most acutely?
I remember I was seven or eight and
I heard some Luther Vandross song
about dancing with his father. I was
shocked when I began to cry. For years,
I’d kept most of my emotions hidden.
But somehow all of that changed with
a simple R&B song. The line “My father
would lift me high… and I knew for
sure I was loved” resonated strongly
with me. I didn’t have the kind of
memories he sang about. I had lost
them.
Yes. I couldn’t listen to passionate
love songs or watch sitcoms where
therewas a funny dad just bumbling
around, just taken for granted. They
