Recovery is always a word that I did not think was possible, as my eating disorder had been part of me for a long time, and I felt it was my whole life and identity.
As a girl, I always felt that I would be liked if I were slim and pretty, but here I was, at that place, and I was miserable. I blipped, lapsed, and relapsed so many times that it felt safer to stay where I was, but part of me yearned for that ‘normal life’ not the constant tug-of-war between my eating disorder and me. I wanted to be able to have another child, eat with family, be free from my disordered thoughts and be me, but who was me? I didn’t know anymore.
Recovery was about finding me – that good enough person who deserves to reconnect and smile.
I didn’t realise that relapses were part of recovery, and however painful they were, they made me stronger. Everyone’s recovery is different, but for me it felt like a loss, a bereavement of something that was there for me. But when I unpacked it, the eating disorder ...
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